What happened — and what did it bring up in me?

Choose a situation that brought up a strong feeling

Take a pen and paper. Choose a situation you can look back on and write about now. Perhaps you shared an idea in a meeting and no one responded, or your partner didn’t reply to your message for two hours. Stay with the same situation throughout the exercise.

What actually happened?

Write down what was said or done, before adding an explanation. For example: “I shared an idea in a meeting. No one responded, and the conversation moved on.” This is what happened in the situation itself.

What did you feel?

Name the feeling in your own words: hurt, anger, sadness, frustration, or something else. For example: “I felt hurt and sad.”

What did you tell yourself it meant?

Write the thought exactly as it came up: “They don’t value me,” “I’m invisible,” or “There’s no point in saying anything.” This is the meaning you gave the situation — the way you made sense of what happened.

What did you do in response?

Did you go quiet? Try to prove yourself? Keep replaying the meeting for hours? Write down what you did and what happened to your energy as a result.

Now separate what happened from what it brought up in you

Draw two columns on your page. In the first, write only what actually happened. In the second, write what you felt, what you told yourself, and how you responded. For example:

Read each column on its own. What you felt is real. But “No one responded to my idea” and “They don’t value me” are two different things. One describes what happened. The other describes what you took it to mean. Separating them doesn’t dismiss your feelings; it gives you room to question the conclusion you reached.

Look at the meaning you gave it

• Do I know that they don’t value me, or is that how I interpreted their silence? Adapt this question to the thought you wrote down.
• Where else have I had this thought or feeling? Write down another example if one comes to mind.
• What am I starting to notice about the way I make sense of situations like this?

A thought or feeling that keeps showing up in different situations may point to a familiar pattern. This exercise helps you begin to notice it. Understanding where it comes from takes more time, reflection and practice.

Now write three separate sentences about your situation:

What happened was ______. I felt ______. I took it to mean ______.

For example: “No one responded to my idea. I felt hurt. I took it to mean that they don’t value me.”

Now that you can see them separately, what could you do differently?

Go back to what actually happened. Now that you can see the situation and the meaning you gave it separately, what would you like to ask or say? Write one response that addresses the situation itself.

For example: “I’d like to come back to the idea I shared. What do you think of it?” That question gives you a chance to find out more, instead of responding only from the assumption that you’re not valued.

If you don’t know how you’d respond differently yet, go back to the two columns and notice what you’ve managed to separate. That distinction is the first thing we’re practising.